Buddhist Funeral Taboos: What You Should Never Do at a Wake

Attending a Buddhist wake for the first time can feel unfamiliar, especially if you are unsure about the customs, etiquette, and unspoken rules. Buddhist funerals emphasise peace, mindfulness, compassion, and respect for the deceased’s spiritual transition. Because of this, there are important taboos—actions that should never be done at a Buddhist wake, as they are believed to disturb the deceased, disrespect the family, or create negative spiritual energy.

Understanding these taboos is not about superstition alone. Each “don’t” is deeply rooted in Buddhist teachings on impermanence, non-attachment, karma, and compassion. Whether you are a family member, close friend, colleague, or casual visitor, knowing what to avoid ensures that your presence brings comfort rather than unintended offence.

This comprehensive guide explains Buddhist funeral taboos in detail, including what you should never do at a wake, why these behaviours are considered inappropriate, and how to conduct yourself properly in a Buddhist funeral setting—especially in Singapore and other Southeast Asian contexts.

Why Taboos Exist in Buddhist Funeral Traditions

Before listing the taboos, it is important to understand why they exist in the first place.

In Buddhism, death is not the end—it is a transition. During the wake, the consciousness of the deceased is believed to be in a sensitive state, especially in the early hours or days after passing. Strong emotions, loud disturbances, disrespectful behaviour, and negative intentions are thought to:

  • Create confusion for the deceased
  • Increase emotional attachment
  • Interfere with a peaceful spiritual transition
  • Generate negative karma for both the living and the departed

Buddhist funeral taboos, therefore, aim to:

  • Protect the spiritual calm of the deceased
  • Maintain a respectful environment for the family
  • Encourage mindfulness and restraint
  • Uphold compassion and dignity

These principles shape everything from clothing and speech to food, photography, and personal behaviour.

1. Never Wear Bright or Festive Clothing

Why This Is a Major Taboo

At a Buddhist wake, bright colours such as red, pink, orange, and neon shades are strictly inappropriate. These colours are associated with celebration, joy, weddings, and festive occasions.

Red, in particular, is strongly linked to:

  • Good luck
  • Prosperity
  • Happiness
  • Chinese New Year and weddings

Wearing such colours at a funeral is seen as:

  • Deeply disrespectful to the deceased
  • Insensitive to the grieving family
  • A violation of mourning customs

What You Should Wear Instead

Appropriate colours include:

  • White (traditional mourning colour in many Buddhist cultures)
  • Black
  • Grey
  • Dark blue

Your clothing should also be modest—avoid short skirts, sleeveless tops, revealing outfits, or flashy accessories.

2. Never Laugh, Joke, or Speak Loudly

Why Loud Behaviour Is Disrespectful

A Buddhist wake is a place of:

  • Quiet reflection
  • Respectful remembrance
  • Spiritual chanting and prayers

Laughing loudly, cracking jokes, talking boisterously, or behaving as if you are at a social gathering is considered highly disrespectful. Such behaviour:

  • Trivialises the death
  • Violates the sacred atmosphere
  • Causes emotional pain to grieving family members
  • It is believed to disturb the deceased’s spirit

Even if you are meeting old friends or distant relatives, your tone should remain soft, calm, and restrained.

3. Never Take Selfies or Casual Photographs

Photography as a Major Modern Taboo

One of the most common modern violations at Buddhist wakes is casual photography, especially:

  • Taking selfies
  • Group photos
  • Filming the coffin for social media
  • Posting funeral images online

This is considered extremely disrespectful because:

  • A wake is not a social event
  • The deceased deserves privacy and dignity
  • The family is in a state of grief
  • Public sharing can cause deep emotional distress

When Photography May Be Allowed

In some families, professional funeral photography may be arranged with consent. However, this is:

  • Done discreetly
  • For private family records only
  • Never for casual sharing or entertainment

Always ask for permission before taking any photo—and in most cases, it is better not to take any at all.

4. Never Touch the Body or Coffin Unnecessarily

Spiritual and Practical Reasons

Touching the body or coffin without reason is discouraged because:

  • Buddhists believe the consciousness may remain near the body after death
  • Unnecessary touching may disturb the spiritual transition
  • It is also a hygiene and safety concern

Only close family members or trained funeral professionals should handle the body or coffin, and only during appropriate ritual moments, such as the final viewing.

5. Never Cry Excessively or Wail Loudly

A Sensitive but Important Taboo

While grief is natural and understood, excessive wailing, screaming, or dramatic emotional outbursts are discouraged in many Buddhist traditions.

The belief behind this includes:

  • Excessive crying increases emotional attachment
  • Strong attachments may cause the deceased to feel confused, reluctant, or distressed about leaving
  • A calm environment supports a more peaceful passing and rebirth

This does not mean you must suppress your emotions completely—it simply means that emotional expression should be quiet, dignified, and mindful.

6. Never Place Alcohol, Cigarettes, or Meat on the Altar

Why These Offerings Are Inappropriate

At a Buddhist wake, the altar usually holds:

  • A Buddha image
  • Incense
  • Candles
  • Flowers
  • Fruits
  • Vegetarian food

Placing the following on the altar is considered taboo:

  • Alcohol
  • Cigarettes
  • Meat or seafood
  • Gambling items

This is because Buddhism emphasises:

  • Non-violence
  • Purity of offerings
  • Compassion for all living beings

Offering meat contradicts the precept of non-harm, while alcohol contradicts the precept of avoiding intoxication.

7. Never Eat or Drink Directly in Front of the Coffin

Respecting the Sacred Space

Eating directly in front of the coffin is seen as highly disrespectful because:

  • It turns a sacred space into a casual one
  • It appears indifferent to the presence of the deceased
  • It can deeply offend grieving family members

If food is provided at the wake (which is common in Singapore and Malaysia), guests should:

  • Eat at the designated food area
  • Avoid carrying food or drinks back to the altar or coffin area

8. Never Wear Jewellery, Heavy Makeup, or Flashy Accessories

Why This Is Considered Inappropriate

Excessive display of:

  • Gold jewellery
  • Diamond accessories
  • Heavy makeup
  • Fashionable or glamorous styling

is discouraged because it:

  • Draws unnecessary attention
  • Contrasts with the simplicity of mourning
  • Can appear insensitive or prideful

Buddhist funeral settings encourage:

  • Simplicity
  • Humility
  • Modesty

9. Never Step Over Incense, Ritual Items, or Offerings

Spiritual Symbolism

Incense, candles, joss paper, and ritual items are not just physical objects—they represent:

  • Offerings to the Buddha
  • Prayers for the deceased
  • Acts of merit

Stepping over them is considered disrespectful because it symbolically places your body above sacred items. Always walk around such objects carefully and mindfully.

10. Never Argue, Gossip, or Discuss Conflicts

Why Negative Speech Is a Serious Taboo

Speech carries strong karmic weight in Buddhism. At a wake, engaging in:

  • Arguments
  • Gossip
  • Family disputes
  • Blame or accusations

is especially harmful because:

  • It creates negative karma
  • It pollutes the peaceful atmosphere
  • It increases suffering for everyone involved

A wake should be a space of:

  • Compassion
  • Forgiveness
  • Quiet support

If conflicts exist, they should be addressed privately and well after the funeral.

11. Never Ask Insensitive Questions About the Death

Questions to Avoid

Avoid asking questions such as:

  • “How exactly did they die?”
  • “Was it painful?”
  • “Why didn’t they seek treatment earlier?”
  • “Did they leave money behind?”

Such questions:

  • Reopen emotional wounds
  • Invade the family’s privacy
  • Shows poor emotional awareness

If you do not know what to say, a simple:

  • “I’m sorry for your loss.”
  • “Please take care.”

is always enough.

12. Never Leave Without Paying Proper Respects

Basic Courtesies You Must Not Skip

At a minimum, you should:

  • Bow before the altar
  • Offer incense if invited
  • Acknowledge the family quietly

Leaving immediately without paying any respect may be perceived as rude or dismissive, especially if you are a relative, colleague, or close acquaintance.

13. Never Bring Children Who Cannot Behave Properly

Practical and Respect-Based Considerations

Young children who:

  • Cry loudly
  • Run around
  • Shout or play

may unintentionally disrupt the wake atmosphere. If children must attend:

  • They should be supervised at all times
  • Brought outside if they become noisy

This protects both the child and the solemn nature of the ceremony.

14. Never Engage in Gambling, Betting, or Games

Why This Is Deeply Disrespectful

In some cultures, informal card games are played late at night during wakes. However, from a strictly Buddhist perspective:

  • Gambling near a coffin is extremely inappropriate
  • It shows disregard for the mourning process
  • It generates negative karma
  • It distracts from prayer and mindfulness

Modern Buddhist families increasingly discourage this practice.

15. Never Rush the Family to “Move On”

Emotional and Spiritual Sensitivity

Avoid statements like:

  • “It’s time to move on already.”
  • “Don’t be sad anymore.”
  • “Death is normal. Why are you still crying?”

These statements:

  • Invalidate grief
  • Shows a lack of compassion
  • It can deeply hurt the mourners

Buddhism teaches gentleness in speech, especially during times of suffering.

Cultural Taboos vs Core Buddhist Teachings

It is important to understand that some taboos are:

  • Cultural (Chinese customs, local traditions)
  • Others are rooted in core Buddhist ethics

Cultural taboos may vary by region, but core Buddhist taboos consistently revolve around:

  • Non-harm
  • Right speech
  • Mindfulness
  • Compassion
  • Respect for life and death

What Happens if a Taboo Is Accidentally Broken?

Most Buddhist families understand that:

  • Not everyone knows the customs
  • Accidents happen
  • Intent matters more than perfection

If you accidentally break a taboo:

  • Apologise sincerely
  • Correct your behaviour immediately
  • Do not become defensive

Sincerity and humility go a long way in restoring respect.

Why Respecting Buddhist Funeral Taboos Matters

Respecting these taboos is not just about avoiding embarrassment. It is about:

  • Honouring the deceased’s spiritual journey
  • Protecting the emotional well-being of the grieving family
  • Cultivating your own mindfulness and compassion
  • Avoiding the creation of negative karma

A wake is one of the most vulnerable moments in a family’s life. Your respectful presence—free from taboo actions—can become a powerful act of kindness.

Summary: What You Should Never Do at a Buddhist Wake

Here is a clear summary of key Buddhist funeral taboos:

  • Never wear bright or festive clothing
  • Never laugh, joke, or speak loudly
  • Never take selfies or casual photos
  • Never touch the body or coffin unnecessarily
  • Never cry excessively in a disruptive manner
  • Never place alcohol, cigarettes, or meat on the altar
  • Never eat in front of the coffin
  • Never argue, gossip, or create conflicts
  • Never ask insensitive questions
  • Never skip paying proper respects
  • Never gamble or engage in games
  • Never rush the family to “move on”

Final Thoughts: Compassion Is the Highest Rule

Ultimately, the most important “rule” at any Buddhist wake is compassion.

If you act with:

  • Kindness
  • Mindfulness
  • Humility
  • Emotional sensitivity

you are already observing the deepest spirit behind all Buddhist funeral taboos. When in doubt, always choose the path that reduces suffering and increases peace—for the deceased, for the family, and for yourself.

Frequently Asked Questions About Buddhist Funeral Taboos

At a Buddhist wake, you should never wear bright or festive clothing, laugh or talk loudly, take selfies or casual photos, touch the body or coffin without reason, place meat, alcohol or cigarettes on the altar, argue or gossip, or treat the event like a social gathering. The wake is a solemn, spiritual space for remembrance and prayers.

Bright colours such as red, pink and orange are associated with celebration, good fortune and weddings in many Asian cultures. Wearing these colours at a Buddhist funeral is considered disrespectful because a wake is a time of mourning and reflection. Guests are expected to wear white, black, grey or other subdued colours instead.

Yes, taking casual photos, selfies or group shots at a Buddhist wake is generally seen as disrespectful. The deceased and the grieving family deserve privacy and dignity. Photography should only be done with explicit permission, and usually only for private family records, not for social media sharing.

It is natural to cry at a Buddhist funeral and grief is not forbidden. However, excessive wailing, screaming or dramatic outbursts are discouraged. Many Buddhists believe such intense displays can increase emotional attachment and may disturb the deceased’s peaceful transition. Quiet, dignified expression of grief is preferred.

In Buddhism, the altar offerings symbolise purity, compassion and respect. Meat, alcohol and cigarettes go against the principles of non-violence and avoiding intoxication. Instead, families offer incense, flowers, fruits, water and vegetarian food as a wholesome way to honour the Buddha and the deceased.

Eating or drinking directly in front of the coffin or altar is considered disrespectful. If the family provides food at the wake, guests should eat only in designated areas away from the coffin. The area near the altar and coffin should be kept solemn and free from casual eating and drinking.

You may speak quietly with relatives and friends, but conversations should remain soft and respectful. A Buddhist wake is not the place for loud chatter, jokes or gossip. The focus should be on offering condolences, paying respects and maintaining a calm, supportive environment for the grieving family.

From a Buddhist perspective, gambling and playing games at a wake are inappropriate. They distract from prayer and reflection, show a lack of respect for the deceased and may create negative karma. Modern Buddhist families increasingly discourage any form of gambling or entertainment at funeral wakes.

To avoid offence, wear modest, non-flashy clothing in white, black, grey or dark colours. Avoid bright, festive colours, revealing outfits, heavy jewellery or glamorous makeup. Dressing simply and respectfully reflects empathy for the family and the solemn nature of the occasion.

If you accidentally break a taboo at a Buddhist wake, the best response is to apologise sincerely and correct your behaviour immediately. Most families understand that not everyone knows all the customs. Sincere respect, humility and a willingness to follow their guidance are more important than being perfect.